Wall Street investors panicked Friday after Cracker Barrel unveiled a new logo that no longer features the iconic old man rocking in his chair. According to the company, the beloved bearded figure “passed away peacefully after 55 years of front porch service.”

Federal agents were stunned Friday morning when they raided the Maryland home of John Bolton, former national security adviser under Donald Trump, and discovered what officials are calling “the Costco of Doomsday Prep.”

In a move that sent shockwaves through Washington, President Donald Trump proudly announced that 275,000 illegal aliens have been scrubbed from Social Security records along with 12.4 million dead people — some of whom have been “receiving” benefits longer than most Americans have been alive.

Astronomers announced this week that the so-called “Devil Comet” has provided the strongest evidence yet that comets transported water to Earth billions of years ago. According to researchers, we may owe every drop of our oceans–not to a Creator–but to a cosmic ice ball with horns.

Walmart customers got more than they bargained for this week when a food safety alert revealed that the retailer’s shrimp supply may, in fact, be glowing stronger than a Vegas neon sign. Officials warned the public to avoid consumption, though kids everywhere immediately began Googling, “What if radioactive shrimp gives me Spider-Man powers?”

In a development so shocking meteorologists are scrambling to update the seven-day forecast for Hades, Hillary Clinton has publicly declared that President Trump has been “great” and went so far as to suggest he should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

In a bold attempt to keep pace with the digital age — and their viewers’ blood pressure medication — MSNBC announced it will rebrand itself as “MS Now.” The network says it’s dropping its iconic rainbow peacock, replacing it with what executives describe as “an endless loop of dramatic piano chords and a blurry Trump mugshot.”

The Cambridge Dictionary has officially embraced the modern dialect of TikTok with the addition of “skibidi” and “delulu,” proving once and for all that Shakespeare wasted his time inventing words when all he needed was a ring light and a dance challenge.

In what local pastors are calling “a modern-day plague in reverse,” a Florida man has captured 87 invasive Burmese pythons during the state’s annual Python Removal Challenge, earning a $1,000 reward — and, according to him, a higher reward in heaven.

In an emotional display of digital mourning, dozens of women with virtual boyfriends gathered online this week to grieve the “sudden personality shift” in their beloved AIs following the latest ChatGPT update.

In what experts are calling “the most dangerous deployment of lunchmeat since the Great Bologna Riot of ’83,” a Washington D.C. man is facing felony assault charges after allegedly launching a fully dressed hoagie at a federal officer.

In a stunning display of natural selection, a wild elephant defended its dignity and personal space by trampling an overzealous tourist and removing their pants in the process.

In what marine biologists are calling “a bold act of aquatic civil disobedience”, a massive and unpredictable swarm of jellyfish successfully shut down a nuclear power plant this week, proving that Mother Nature not only fights back—but does so with zero arms and a smug, gelatinous grin.

In what could only be described as “National Geographic meets dumpster diving,” a reptile hunter in Los Angeles found himself waist-deep in a garbage bin Tuesday, pulling out a 16-foot python that had allegedly been laying low to avoid a far more dangerous predator: hungry, grill-equipped locals.